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The COVID-19 pandemic has kept many Americans at home, which is a good thing: Social distancing can help flatten the curve of the disease and reduce its impact on the nation’s health care system. But this sudden surge in self-isolation means that many couples are suddenly spending a lot of time together—all the time—and that can put a strain on even the most solid of partnerships.

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Sheila Addison, a licensed marriage and family therapist in Oakland, California, says Sound Relationship House is especially helpful during times of stress and change. Developed by psychologists and seasoned relationship specialists John and Julie Gottman, this model aims to help couples build stronger friendships.

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“It’s based on their research about what makes a healthy, long-term relationship,” says Addison, “and the best foundation is a tender, close friendship.”

Some important parts of this friendship are especially important when couples are close together, says Addison. A model’s preference for sharing admiration and appreciation is a good place to start.

“It’s something we often do at the beginning of a relationship,” says Addison. “We try to praise them, talk about their good qualities and let the negatives go. We do a lot of fun and thanks, and it goes down over time.

But Addison encourages her clients to recommit to saying positive things about each other as a way to build a friendship rather than their romantic relationship.

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“I encourage them to do things like catch their partner doing something nice—’Hey, thanks for unloading the dishwasher,’ or, ‘It means a lot to me that despite everything going on, you make sure we have a favorite food in the fridge,'” she said. .

Gottman’s model suggests that appreciating these small moments fills our “emotional bank account” and makes dealing with everyday frustrations easier. If you feel seen and appreciated, you’ll be less stressed—and more likely to take the pressure off your partner.

Another aspect of a healthy relationship at home Addison hopes couples remember: the idea of ​​turning in bids.

When your partner starts a conversation, ignore them. It may seem obvious in practice, but Addison points out that when you’re together all day, every day without other friends, you may find that your ice breakers are more common.

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“Your partner might say the smallest things, like you’re low on eggs or they’re a poor sleeper,” says Addison. You don’t have to wax poetic about which eggs to buy to be a good partner, but it’s important to acknowledge any attempts at intercourse at times like these, she says.

“It’s about being thoughtful,” Addison said. “Oh, you’re right, when do you think we should go grocery shopping, or, ‘I’m sorry to hear you didn’t sleep well, can I help you? ?'”

Ignoring small attempts at connection can leave you feeling alone and isolated. But it’s important not to “turn on” your partner (assuming they’ve eaten all the eggs, or that their tossing and turning will wake you up too).

No matter how much you love and support your partner, it’s not your job to be their constant companion. But you could use some quiet time and there’s a big difference between walking into another room and stepping over to suggest they buy the eggs themselves.

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It’s obvious to anyone who’s spent more than 24 hours with their loved one, but it’s important to have a few moments to yourself. If it happens randomly throughout your day—when one of you is running a quick grocery run or the other takes a shower—you may find you spend less alone time than you need to.

“Everyone needs their own time, and it’s not just when you’re using the bathroom,” relationship coach Rachel Wright recently told online therapy service TalkSpace. “Take time to be alone, whether it’s breathing, masturbating, texting a friend, sleeping, reading … whatever. The important thing is to take time to be with yourself, with you and with you.

Building more structure into your daily life can help ease this, as well as ease some of the ills of extended quarantine. Schedule a standing FaceTime appointment with a friend so you can talk to someone other than your partner. Plan specific exercises to keep you thinking. No matter how busy you feel and how much you miss spending time with others, don’t make a habit of spending every moment in the same place if you can help it.

Figuring out how to fight in a way that isn’t hurtful or destructive is always important to building a healthy relationship, but Addison emphasizes that it’s especially helpful when people are at home together. It’s a stressful time—jobs are at risk, people are worried about their health and the health of their loved ones, and routines are in disarray—so even without the added stress of constant intimacy, conflict is inevitable.

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“It’s effective to contain the conflict and not escalate it,” Addison said. “It’s easy to tell people to get better at conflict when they’re sitting in a therapy session, and it’s harder to practice when they’re out in the world and they’re angry.”

A key strategy is to pick your battles—and understand what really works for you. Try not to start fights over easily solvable quibbles, but don’t think you’re ignoring your strong reactions to small problems either.

“Distinguish between superficial and genuine interests,” Elaine Yarborough, a conflict resolution consultant, recently told WIRED. “For example, you might be angry that others didn’t pick up the trash. The real problem is that you feel ignored and unimportant. State the second.

When there’s a conflict, Addison says, the admiration and praise you sing will come in handy.

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“It provides a kind of reservoir, an emotional bank account full of little moments of appreciation and giving back to your partner,” she says. “If it is replenished regularly, it will be a buffer against conflict. If we feel good about our relationship and our partner, it’s easy to look at them and say, ‘I don’t want to block this person.’

“It’s hard to be on our best behavior during these strict limitations,” Addison added, “but now is the time to be really warm and friendly.”

Rachel Feltman is editor-at-large at Popular Science. She hosts and moderates the Weird I Learned This Week podcast and helps fill the magazine’s digital pages with exciting features. He lives in Jersey City with a surprisingly tall wife and a surprisingly old cat. Contact the author here.

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